He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
