I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
