and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Randomize