I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize