i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
