You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
