Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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