Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
