I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Nobody cheats on THIS.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
