Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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