hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize