and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
home. puking in laundry basket.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
