While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
