next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
