she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
