Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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