woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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