you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
