I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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