im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
