I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
