Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
