Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
