I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
