if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
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