it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
