sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
