My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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