According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
