You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
