she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
