so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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