dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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