i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
You're like the curious george of whores
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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