she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
