How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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