batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
