i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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