Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Sorry about my life...
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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