I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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