I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
