And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I wish you could order shots online.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Randomize
