Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
