Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
