Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
