You smell like stripper and shame
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Randomize