i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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