you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
