that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
