she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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