I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
