I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
