Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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