remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize