Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
