I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
