The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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