I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
