You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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