he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
